one year later

Sometime around a year ago (I don't remember the date, which is strange coming from me, I know) I was still quite gravid and my blood pressure was trying to scale Mt. Everest. On this particular anniversary-I-can't-quite-nail-down, my OB sent me to the hospital because my blood pressure was dangerously high. If it came down, I could go home; if it didn't, I would be induced straight away whether I liked it or not.

It did, of course, come down and Gaz was very healthy, as we all know now. Today I remembered how bleak that day was. One year ago, give or take a few days, I didn't know if things were about to go badly. I had no way of knowing if Gaz would be okay, if I would be okay, or how anything was going to turn out. It's all very easy for people to be dissmissive and say "oh, things will work out just fine," but there are no guarantees of that. Last year I was awash in that horrible uncertainty.

Today when I see Gaz toddling around, throwing books at the cat, and nodding when I ask her if she wants more macaroni and cheese, I am grateful beyond words that things have gone so well. There is no expression yet conceived to convey my absolute happiness with my daughter and our little family. This is the most precious thing I have.

There is no moral to this story. I just love my girl.

All the way to eleven (months)

Yesterday marked eleven months since Gaz's birth. I've been feeling introspective and philosophical about the whole business, and I'm sure that will go on for a little while longer. I've been thinking about the death of the me-that-was and the birth of the me-that-is, which is the same me-that-was only different; different enough that it's not extreme for me to talk of the transition as a death. I'm more and less patient, more and more loving, more creative in my problem solving. I think I'm more focused now, and I guess the thinking of such things is what is important so I guess I should start saying that I AM more focused. Gaz inspires a lot of things in me, all of them good so far. We'll see what later years bring about. ;)

As we get ready to celebrate her first year, I look back and see a hale and hearty infant who is rapidly becomming a hale and hearty little girl. You can tell that she is happy. She is happy to see me when I've been in the kitchen for a minute or when she sees me poke my head around the chair as we play in the living room, she's happy to see Mark when he comes home from work or when he comes around the door as he follows us down the stairs to run errands. She's happy to see all the people she recognizes. Sometimes she needs reassurance and extra cuddle time, but you can tell that she trusts more than she distrusts. She gets scared, but she does overcome fears little by little and that's all I can ask of her.

Now I go back to my regularly scheduled puttering and Gaz continues with her nap. Soon will be time for more errands and happily greeting Daddy when he gets home from work.